So the other day, I wrote my close friend J. to describe my intimations of what 2015 would be about. I briefly told her about teaching more to yoga teachers, writing more in my blog and reaching out more through social media. She wrote back promptly with the following line:
Looks like we’re each in our own way approaching a larger sphere of visibility in and engagement with the world.
Her summary made me laugh—partly because of her articulation and partly because of the irony.
(J. and I speak the way we write, which means that our conversations are marked by frequent detours into parenthetical remarks such as this, side trips into em dashes and the occasional swoops into footnotes and end notes. We’re both academics, and writers, and meditators, so our dialogues are part stream of consciousness, part commentary on the stream of consciousness, and part commentary on the commentary on the stream of consciousness.)
The irony comes from the fact that the circumstances of my life right now demand an increasing externalization of self, when by nature and by temperament I’m one of the most introverted people I know. This exhausting demand to be so “out there” in the world was one of the reasons I went silent on my blog the last three months: between leading a yoga teacher training for the first time and managing the studio’s social media accounts (daily, for the first time), there was no desire, energy or space left to say anything else (let alone formulate an abstract thought). There were days when I’d come home with a curious hollowness in my head—the kind that has nothing to do with the emptiness that Buddhists prize, and everything to do with the vacuum that copious amounts of caffeine, sugar and popular entertainment tend to fill.
(So yes, I did go back to caffeine, sugar and popular entertainment of the Japanese animated variety. As they say: nature abhors a vacuum.)
Nature and temperament aside, it looks like 2015 will be more of the same—with the addition (hopefully) of my blog. I’m not complaining though because the externalization simply means that the efforts of several months have finally started coming to fruition.
Here’s hoping that I grow a Self big enough for continued externalization.