On the Trials of Waiting


(NEPAL, Kathmandu) Waiting is the most pedestrian form of vigilance. (Photo taken by the author.)

(NEPAL, Kathmandu) Waiting is the most pedestrian form of vigilance. (Photo taken by the author.)

Lately, I’ve been gestating a wish, a desire, an aspiration.

I don’t normally “gestate” things. I never had the patience required to endure (let alone nurture) the slow and gradual process of conception with its attendant indignities and transformations (indignities and transformations required to prepare for the physical, emotional and existential demands of parenting a newborn possibility).

My style was to give birth Zeus-as-with-Athena style: extruding a reality fully-formed in the shortest time possible from its inception in my head.

Needless to say, this approach has been a double-edged sword, responsible, on the one hand, for the almost brutal efficacy with which I’ve achieved results in life, but also answerable, on the other hand, for the collateral damage that always accompanies any kind of brutal efficacy.

The point is: my impatience is the source of most of my achievementsand also the source of the staggering amount of heartache I’ve inflicted on others (as well as on myself). Speed is often needed for contemporary forms of accomplishment, but it needs, in its turn, a most insidious species of callous disregard.

I don’t want to wake up ten years from now only to find nothing but wreckage in my wake.

So even if it goes against the grain, even if it’s one more thing I have YET to learn (with all the suffering that learning entails), I will gestate my wish, my desire and my aspiration.

I will wait, and I will endure the waiting, and I will forge patience out of the shards of my impatience.

And I will trust that out of all this will be born a most beautiful possibilityand that I will give birth to myself as a worthy parent of that long-awaited child.

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3 thoughts on “On the Trials of Waiting

  1. Tac says:

    I don’t want to wake up ten years from now only to find nothing but wreckage in my wake.

    This is almost always a part of my nightly thoughts…Perhaps finding missed opportunity in my wake…What a human experience. Thanks for sharing this, be well!

    Like

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